My First Love Song
by Zarla
Summary: To Stephen Lynch's A Month Dead comes the story of Kareem, from Eternal Darkness, and his uNdYiNg lOvE for what'sherface! And I do mean UNDYING! OMG!


My First Love Song  
(By "Someone shoot me. Quick." Zarla)  
(Note: I am REALLY not responsible for any mental damage caused by reading this fic.)  


  
_I lie next to her in the bed  
She's the kinda girl I'd like to wed  
  
_So she cheated on him with another guy.  
  
So she made him traipse around the desert for some bizarre artifact she never even entirely described.  
  
So she was vague and promised him everything and lied and cheated for something that he was fairly sure she could not use.  
  
So her body was ravaged by knives.  
_  
Never mind the fact that she's dead  
It turns me on  
It turns me on  
_  
She was still hot.  
  
Well, not necessarily in the body temperature department.  
  
Karim had made it back from the temple, finding the artifact and encountering no ghosts whatsoever. Not that he expected any, or anything. That would be of course, ridiculous. Gigantic hideous monsters with eyes for mouths, sure, but no ghosts. That was pushing it.  
  
So anyway, Karim made his way back to wherever he came from and wherever his woman lived.  
  
Only it turned out she was not exactly his woman anymore.  
  
After finding out that his potential girlfriend was a dirty dirty whore, Karim simply could not live without her. However, rather then joining her poetically in death with a nice flowery written note after impaling himself with some difficulty on his Ram Dao, he decided there were other ways to rejoin himself with her.  
  
And they were all worth it!_  
  
Sure she's a little cold to the touch  
But that doesn't bother me much  
Because the embalmer did such a lovely job  
A lovely job  
  
_One good thing about her hideously gruesome death was that she was pretty unrecognizable to the common folk afterwards. So Karim was able to drag her body and get it done up so it wouldn't fall apart. This was done with the magic of sword-bargaining, which involves swords and a great deal of threatening with them. A terrible thing this sword-bargaining. Considering Karim was well-off, if not a prince (cursed vagueness), he was able to use a combination of sword-bargaining and killing people to get the job he wanted.  
  
Actually, he only killed this one man who happened to trip over his Ram Dao as he laid it on the floor. His head mysteriously rolled off his body as he hit the ground. Karim felt a strange desire to recite Shakespeare afterwards, but repressed it. Because that would be silly._  
  
She's a month dead and she's starting to smell  
But if loving a corpse is a sin  
  
_You know a great thing about having sex with a dead person?  
  
EVERYTHING!_  
  
I'll see you in hell  
  
_Karim sure hoped that, in her whoreness to that one nobleman, she had not gotten any kind of diseases. Considering what he was doing to her body and all and that if Kareem had any kind of established religion he followed he would probably be going against it, he doubted that meeting up with her again would be a good thing.  
  
But her body sure loved him. He made extra sure of that. Insert as many flowery "ram dao" references to penises here as you like.  
  
Heh heh...  
  
"Karim 'enchanted' his 'ram dao' with his 'magical spiritual energy' and with it, penetrated the 'enchanted lock' on what's-her-face's 'door'"  
  
I feel like I'm writing a lemon already!  
  
Wait, I broke the fourth wall. Sorry. I'm sure I ruined your illusion of Karim having sex with what's her face's body. Terribly sorry old chap._  
  
And now I got her propped up in a chair  
She's losing her skin and her hair  
And I'm wishing she wouldn't stare so much at me  
So much at me  
  
_Karim did indeed, have what's-her-face propped up in a chair. He wondered why her eyes were still intact. Surely they would have been popped and the delicate juices within supped upon if this had been a proper torture ritual. He was vaguely disappointed.  
  
Besides, it was cheating him out of two other orifices.  
  
At this point, I would just like to say I'm sorry. This has gotten entirely out of control. But heck, this is better then me being SERIOUS about this, right? Wait, here we go.  
  
Karim stared at her naked, beautiful body. Even the scars that traced her lithe form could not detract from her beauty. Even death could not keep the two of them apart. Their love was so strong, so true, that the boundaries between death could not keep them from their holy union. Karim was filled with such broken and twisted desire. How could he desanctify her body like this? How could he? But he loved her so much...! His heart was breaking in two! How could he BLAH BLAH BLAH  
See, this could be SO much worse._  
  
Yeah, rigor mortis is taking its toll  
And her body is stiff as a pole  
  
_Karim was beginning to have difficulty. He considered leaving her outside hoping that maybe she would "soften up" or maybe put her in warm water until her "lid" came off like a jar of pickles, but when he thought about the plans seriously, he found that he was being entirely stupid. There were no baths in this time period. Bathtubs anyway. And he doubted those at the public bath would approve of a rotting violated corpse.  
  
That sun thing seemed like a good idea, but he feared the plague people would take her away.  
  
No, she was his, HIS! He had planted his demon seed in her and now she would bear his mangled fruit!  
  
Actually, she wouldn't. She was dead. Another plus for the necrophilia team!_  
  
But I'm not gonna put her back in the hole I dug her from  
I dug her from  
  
_That hole would be way too small now. Besides, people still thought she was there. She had kind of bloated up over the past month. Karim liked to think it was because he was so incredibly manly he was able to provide substance to women through his semen, just as if she was some kind of rubber balloon girl, but that was silly.  
  
God, rubber balloon girls. Now there's something frightening.  
  
WAIT NO now I'm really going to frighten you. If you thought the GAME was scary...  
  
FLOWERY EUPHEMISMS!_  
  
She's a month dead and she's starting to smell  
But if loving a corpse is a sin  
  
_So Karim came to her, and lifted her into his arms of love and tenderness. He cared so much for her, cared so much that their souls TOUCHED at the lightest caress. As he lay her down on the bed of heaven, he flicked a few flies away from his face. Her flower would soon be his! She would be his through the gift of his soul-bonding semen. Yes.  
  
Let's see...what else...  
  
His member! His manhood! His length and his shaft all pulsated with terrible glowing red energy! He had cast enchant item on it! Oh no! What's-her-face is in for a ROUGH RIDE TONIGHT FOLKS.  
  
"Do you like it ROUGH BABY" Karim says for no reason whatsoever except that he's having sex and that makes people say stupid things.  
  
"Douglas" replied the dead body.  
  
Karim shot directly upwards into the ceiling.  
  
"GENERIC FRIGHTENED EXCLAMATION" Karim expectorated as he fell back onto the bed, like manna from heaven. Wait, now I've moved from flowery parody to outright sarcasm and silliness. Why not go all the way?  
  
So Karim falls on the bed with his dead chick and flops around for a while because dead chick is moving! Her bones are moving in a peculiar manner entirely unnatural for humans! Like a bone was misplaced and then moved back and there was this smell of vanilla.  
  
Why vanilla? The world may never know._  
  
I'll see you in hell  
  
_So at this point what's-her-face's body just explodes entirely, spraying decayed blood and other variously nasty things all over. I won't describe them because there are people who can do it a lot better then I can. Bite.  
  
So in her wake there's a big scary bonethief.  
  
Wait, no.  
  
Standing in the wreckage of her body is the stunning visage of a beautiful, young male bonethief! His eyes shone with the beauty of something beautiful, he had long flowing invisible feminine hair, and his thin body was the perfect example of bonethief-hood, covered only in a thong that left nothing to the imagination. By the way, this bonethief for reasons unexplained has a penis that is longer then the bonethief's body. That's probably not important though. OR IS IT?   
  
"Was it good for you?" The bonethief whispered huskily, because that's the only way to do so.   
  
Then the bonethief wept like a woman.  
  
And then Karim flashed white and died in a terrible and bloody manner with cherry blossoms and floofy bubbles.  
  
"Aishiteiru...bonuthiifu-chan. Aishiteiru kawaii onegai kudasai yakusoku FO-EVAH."  
  


The End  
(Author's Note: Well, in my defense I love Eternal Darkness. Altho, I think if I go back and read this I may cry. Prolly from laughter though. Bwa ha ha ha ha! MWA HA HA HA!  
I'm so gonna be down there with Karim.) 


End file.
